


Let's Just Be Friends

by CrispiCrunch



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Sylvain Jose Gautier, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Minor Angst, Minor Dorothea Arnault/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Misunderstandings, Unrequited Love, but also not really, but what else is new lmao, college kids partying all the time, emotionally constipated felix, just kidding i love him tho, no actual sex tho, why? don't ask me idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:15:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23103097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrispiCrunch/pseuds/CrispiCrunch
Summary: Felix wakes up with a jolt in an empty bed. He looks around, combing fingers through his hair trying to pull out knots. It's a familiar room, one that he wishes he wasn't so familiar with so he doesn't have to taste the bile of guilt in the back of his throat.He wants to be friends. Just friends, he thinks but he hasn't decided yet. Not sure if he could ever decide. He likes Sylvain, likes the small touches they share but sometimes he can't tell.__Felix and Sylvain have a friend with benefits relationship and Felix doesn't know how to deal with it.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 20
Kudos: 275





	Let's Just Be Friends

Felix wakes up with a jolt in an empty bed. He looks around, combing his fingers through his hair trying to pull out knots. It's a familiar room, one that he wishes he wasn't so familiar with so he doesn't have to taste the bile of guilt in the back of his throat.

He throws the covers away and quickly picks up his clothes from the floor, separating Sylvain's and throwing those back onto the bed.

Sylvain's in the kitchen cooking. Felix announces his presence by graciously stubbing his toe on the door frame of the bedroom. He curses, trying to stay quiet but Sylvain still hears him over the sizzle of his pan.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey," Felix says back once he recovers.

"I made eggs and bacon if you want some." Sylvain smiles at him. His dumb stupid grin, the one that always makes Felix weak, but he'd never admit it out loud.

Felix combs through his hair again, pulling it back into a ponytail only to find his wrist empty, hair tie lost in the thicket of last night. He remembers bits and pieces—Sylvain resting his chin on Felix's shoulder, hand running through dark hair. Felix didn't mind it, rather he liked the feeling of Sylvain's hand in his hair but the hair tie was long gone by then, and he can't remember where he put it.

His hair falls back down.

"It's right here," Sylvain says. He takes the pan off the stove and heads over, pulling the black band from his wrist. "Let me do it?" 

Felix hesitates for just a second but nods before turning around. Sylvain smiles again. He cards through Felix's hair to make sense of it. 

"Would it kill you to put on some clothes?" Felix mutters.

"I have clothes on," Sylvain says.

"Boxers are not clothes."

Sylvain laughs. "You've seen worse." He pulls Felix's hair through the tie and makes a neat bun. He presses a kiss against the nape of Felix's neck once he's done tying Felix's hair up. 

Felix shivers. 

"Shut up." Felix shrugs him off. "I can't stay," he says before Sylvain can even ask. "I have a meeting with the professor at 11."

"Skip it," Sylvain purrs, cupping Felix's chin.

"I can't skip it, I need help with my paper." 

"Reschedule." Sylvain guides Felix close to him, lips hovering just above his. It's easy to get lost in Sylvain, and Felix hates how weak he is to him. All it takes is a small kiss, and Felix can't feel the floor beneath his feet anymore. He leans against Sylvain, chasing after his lips, chasing after the taste of black coffee. He can feel Sylvain's grin, his cocky smirk reminding him what a fool he is.

Felix almost bites him, remembering himself and where he was. 

"I can't reschedule. I've rescheduled three times already, remember?"

"Oh right," Sylvain mutters, running his thumb over his bottom lip. "Right," he says, but he probably doesn't remember. He never does. He lets Felix go, and Felix scurries to the front door before Sylvain can change his mind. 

He leans against the wall, watching Felix slip on his shoes.

"You really can't stay?"

Felix looks back and almost regrets it. Sylvain tilts his head, a lazy grin on his lips. It's almost tempting, to just fall back and say 'okay' and roll back into bed until class starts. 

"Come on, baby," Sylvain says, voice dipping low. 

"I can't," he says. And he can already hear Sylvain whine, say something about rescheduling again or tell him it's not actually important. It's too easy to get swept away, so Felix says a quick good-bye and walks out the door. 

He runs back to his shared apartment with Dimitri, glad that the blonde has 8 am classes so there's no question of 'hey, so what happened last night?' because Felix doesn't have an answer. He never has an answer.

He throws himself onto the couch and hides under a few throw pillows. He doesn't actually have a meeting with the professor, he just needed an excuse not to stay.

It doesn't matter though when he's just going to see Sylvain later anyway. They chose a few of their classes together, though Felix was reluctant at first. But, he realizes that he can't ever say no to Sylvain. It's an unfortunate flaw of his. 

~*~*~*~

He strolls into class five minutes before noon. Professor Byleth looks at him from the podium and waves. She asks about the paper and how it's going. Felix responds that it's going just fine even though he hasn't taken a second glance at the outline. 

She reminds him that she has office hours and that she's always happy to help him.

Felix catches a glimpse of unmistakable red hair just out the hallway and nods. "Thanks, professor, you're a great help." Then he scurries away to find his seat. He barely makes it halfway up the stairs when Sylvain tackles him, throwing an arm over his shoulder. 

"So," Sylvain says. "What'd you and the professor talk about?"

"The paper," Felix shrugs him off. "What else?" 

They pretend that life is normal, going on about their day like nothing happened. Like every time they spend the night together was just some hazy memory conjured up by their imaginations. They never talk about it. Felix pretends it never happens.

They go to class together, meet and greet each other like they have been for the years they've known each other. If their friends notice, no one says anything. 

Felix tells himself that it'll be the last time. The last time, and he'll never look back and they'll never speak of it. 

Except Sylvain has a way of pulling him back, and Felix can never say no to him. 

~*~*~*~

The next time it happens, it's at Lorenz's party.

"I don't even like this guy," Felix mutters to Dimitri. "Why are we going? Can't we go somewhere else? Get some diner food and call it a night?"

"Come on, Felix," Ingrid rolls her eyes, having overheard him. She turns around and walks backwards. Sylvain looks over his shoulder at him. He smiles, and Felix can already feel his stomach twisting up. "It'll be fun. What's the use being cooped up all the time?" 

"Besides," Sylvain cuts in. "Our little golden boy over here is excited to see a cute little deer named Claude."

"Sylvain!" Dimitri colours at the betrayal. "That's not—it's—not completely true! I mean, yes, I'd like to see him but that's not the sole reason why I decided to come."

"Sure, sure." Sylvain laughs and Felix can't look him in the eye. 

The first person they see at the party is Claude. Claude waves at Sylvain, and then his eyes land on Dimitri. Then, his eyes really light up and he smiles. 

Dimitri is already lost. Eyes wide and frozen, a small curl on his lips with a small wave to accompany it. Sylvain pushes him forward and pats his back, says something into his ear that's probably meant to be encouraging but knowing Sylvain, Felix knows it's something stupid. 

Then Sylvain is gone, wandering off in his own direction and saying hi to people that Felix doesn't recognize. 

Ingrid sighs and shakes her head. Felix follows her around, unsure of what to do with himself but he finds himself alone when she's whisked away by Dorothea.

Felix spends the whole night on the couch with a drink in his hand. He talks to Annette. Sweet lovely little Annette, fleeting back and forth between the drink table and conversation, always bringing something new for him to try. 

Felix has no idea where all his friends have gone, but he supposes he can't much care when they didn't care much about him.

He's talking to Annette one second, and then she's gone. Then it's Ashe and Dedue. They talk about something, try to engage him in conversation but Felix can't hear over the static of his ears so he just nods along.

Then, it's Sylvain next to him. It's just the two of them. Sylvain's hand is on his thigh, and it travels up. Felix does nothing to stop it. He can't even remember how it happens but suddenly Felix is on Sylvain's lap and he's grinning down at him while Sylvain's trying to catch his lips.

Felix doesn't let him, it's the closest thing to teasing he's ever done to Sylvain. He thinks he likes doing it. He thinks he might get too lost in teasing him. He gloats a little until Sylvain's hand is behind his head, pushing him down and smashing their lips together. 

The only thing he truly remembers is Sylvain taking him home again. Again. 

It's kind of like a dance, except Felix doesn't know how to actually dance. Neither does Sylvain, he thinks, but maybe he doesn't really know Sylvain at all. Of all the people he could hit up, why does he keep bothering Felix?

Sylvain's hands roam all over his body. They like to make territory on his thighs. They like spreading them, making Felix sit steady on his lap while they roam.

Felix likes the feeling of Sylvain's skin on his. Sylvain likes kissing him, and he likes to dodge them. Felix likes the frustrated growls Sylvain gives, and his nippy teeth demanding more. 

He finds that he likes teasing Sylvain. Maybe it's all the pent-up revenge he wants to get on him, or maybe he just likes Sylvain. He can't tell, but he doesn't think too much about it. He ruts against the redhead, likes hearing the soft whimpers that come from his lips until Sylvain deems enough and carries Felix to bed.

Sylvain throws Felix onto the mattress and jumps on top. He ties Felix up with his clothes, caging him with his arms. 

Felix likes the feeling of their bodies together. A mishmash of their heat and friction. Maybe, he thinks, Felix doesn't mind all the things that Sylvain does to him. The way he calls him baby, the way he pins him down and subdues all the fight Felix has. The wet kisses and deep strokes, so deep that Felix always feels like he's losing his mind.

He melts into Sylvain, always.

Sylvain likes to sleep on his stomach, while Felix sleeps on his side. When Sylvain drapes an arm over him, trapping him in bed, he wonders if it's supposed to mean something.

He supposes it doesn't. Maybe it's just habit. 

It makes it hard to slip out of Sylvain's grasp, but it helps that he's a heavy sleeper. Felix slides out of bed and collects his clothes. He gets dressed in the dark before he slips out of the apartment. 

The next morning, Sylvain calls him and asks him where he went.

"Sorry," Felix says. "I had an assignment due in the morning."

"Oh," Sylvain says. "Okay."

And it's like that.

~*~*~*~

Felix wants to be friends. Just friends, he thinks but he hasn't decided yet. Not sure if he could ever decide. He likes Sylvain; likes the occasional touches, a light kick of his thigh whenever they sit next to each other or the way their hands entangle underneath the table. He likes catching Sylvain looking at him from time to time, the way hazel eyes melt and wane like they're sharing an inside joke or something.

"Is there something you need to tell me?" Dimitri speaks quietly during a study session once. Felix wasn't sure he even heard him. He looks up only to see Dimitri diligently copying words from his textbook into his notebook. "Whatever's going on with…you and Sylvain?" 

Felix tries not to let it show, the surprise on his face. He shifts in his seat and tries to pretend he's reading his notes over and writes down gibberish. "No," he says. "There's nothing going on. What about you and Claude?" 

Felix filches a glance in time to catch Dimitri fostering a small smile on his lips. "It's going good, I think. We have a date this weekend—don't change the subject." Just as quick as it comes, it disappears and he turns serious. He stops writing and stares fully at Felix.

"There's nothing going on," Felix says again, chewing his lips. Then, after a moment's passed and he deems he trusts Dimitri enough, he says, "I don't actually know yet." 

Any other attempts of Dimitri prying into Felix's inner machinations are shot down. Felix shuts him down and focuses on studying, and Dimitri leaves it as such.

~*~*~*~

A few days later, he gets a text. ' _Come over_ '. He doesn't reply. Doesn't want to. Might turn his phone over and pretend he never saw. Give an excuse that he wasn't next to his phone all day and hope that it suffices.

' _I just want to see you. Let's hang out._ '

And he wants to believe that they can be friends, _just_ friends. Maybe it's foolish of him but he responds: okay. 

It's just like how they used to be. Spending time together, sitting, laughing, talking. 

But it's not what Sylvain called him over for, and they both know it. Even if Felix is trying hard to win at a meaningless video game to take his mind off it. Even if Sylvain is just trying to make Felix laugh. Even if they talk about what's going on in their friends' lives or their own, it's not what Felix is here for.

Sylvain puts on a movie and that's it. It's not a particular movie that either of them are interested in but just something to mediate what's to come.

Sylvain puts an arm around Felix, and Felix doesn't quite know what to do with himself so he leans back against the older. Felix pretends to be invested in the movie, even as Sylvain starts kissing his neck. 

He likes the touch of Sylvain's skin. He lets him do what he wants. Felix finds himself melting, craving more of Sylvain. His arms wrap back around the redhead's, fingers making a home in a nest of red strands. 

Sylvain doesn't fall asleep this time. He lays back on the couch, running his hand through Felix's loose hair. Credits roll and Sylvain watches as if it's more interesting than the movie itself. 

Felix stretches and buries his face in Sylvain's chest. 

"Tired?" The older murmurs, looking down at him. "Go to sleep."

"Take me to bed," Felix mutters back, eyes falling shut. 

"What, want another round, baby?" Sylvain grins but jumps when Felix bites him. "Hey, okay, it was just a joke." Nonetheless, he moves to get up and Felix follows. 

Sylvain jumps onto his bed, sighing when his back hits the mattress with a bounce. He rests his hands behind his head and watches Felix slip underneath the covers. He barely lets Felix settle before sweeping him in and wrapping his arms around him. He sets Felix's head against his chest.

"Sleep," Sylvain commands, twirling his fingers in dark hair. 

Felix doesn't even muster up a reply. When he shuts his eyes, it's just lights out. When he wakes up, he prepares himself to worm out of Sylvain's grasp but he's surprised to find Sylvain still up and wide awake.

"You didn't sleep?" Felix rubs his eyes, pulling himself up to look properly at Sylvain. The redhead doesn't allow him, pushing him back down. A sudden guilt washes over Felix, feeling bad for sleeping on Sylvain's arm like this.

"No," Sylvain answers. "Couldn't." He draws circles on his shoulder.

"Why not?" 

Sylvain shrugs as best he could with another human being laying atop of him. "Just couldn't. You should go back to sleep."

"I shouldn't." Felix tries to pull himself up again. This time Sylvain lets him slip; he follows behind. "Dimitri's going to wonder where I've gone." 

"Stay." Sylvain takes Felix's hand, lifts it up to press a kiss against his fingers. "Spend the night. Dimitri won't mind."

He wants to stay, but he wants to say no. He can't make up his answer fast enough and by then, Sylvain's made up the answer for him. Sylvain plants a kiss on his shoulder, and slowly crawls his way up. A shiver runs down Felix's spine. He grasps Sylvain for warmth. 

"I shouldn't," he wants to say but he doesn't get the chance when Sylvain covers his lips with his own.

He finds himself, once again, unsure of how he got there. Grasping the sheets and gasping until his knuckles are white and he's crying nothing but Sylvain's name until he's tipped over the edge. 

Sylvain kisses him, keeps kissing him until he's all marked up. Felix tiredly berates him, but truthfully he doesn't mind them. Sylvain grins against his skin, proud of his work as he rolls over to his stomach, trapping Felix where he is. 

Felix waits until Sylvain's fallen asleep before he slips away. He gets dressed just as the sun peaks over the horizon and heads out. It's early in the morning, and maybe it's already too late to say he didn't spend the night but he finds solace in the city that stirs awake.

Maybe it was better to stay, wake up in Sylvain's arms again but he can't do it. 

Felix stifles a yawn and slips into his apartment. He announces his presence by throwing his keys into the bowl.

"Felix, you're back!" Dimitri shouts just a little too loud for the morning. Felix winces. Claude and Dimitri stand three feet apart in the kitchen. Dimitri, shirtless and about as red as Felix has ever seen him, and Claude grinning against the counter clad in Dimitri's shirt. The coffee machine is running, but Felix doubts they made any for him.

"Morning sunshine," Claude says, waving. "You look...great."

"I appreciate your lie," Felix nods as he drags himself into his room. He drops his backpack with a thud by his feet. "I'm not coming to class today. Can you take notes for me? Thanks." He shuts the door, ignores their hushed whispers and falls into bed.

He gets a call a little while later from Sylvain.

"Where did you go?"

"I didn't want Dimitri to worry," he says, even though he knows Dimitri was preoccupied with something—someone else. "So, I just headed home."

"Oh," Sylvain says. There's silence on the other line.

~*~*~*~

They don't talk about it. They never talk about it but it hangs between them like smog and it's suffocating. 

Felix pretends that everything is normal. That he's never been closer than ten feet to Sylvain, or that they've never hung out together after class. He's deliberately never in the same room alone with Sylvain. He tries not to catch his eye, and ignores Sylvain's tilted head.

"Did you and Sylvain have a fight?"

"What?" Felix nearly drops his book, forgetting the last page he just read. He looks up to see Ashe looking at him, hand propped up and smiling softly like it would placate Felix's beating chest.

"You two haven't been talking as much. So, I was just wondering."

"No," Felix says, going back to his book. "We didn't fight. We've always been like this."

"Is that so?" But Ashe doesn't push any further, even if Felix can see over the pages the way Ashe tilts his head too. 

~*~*~*~

It's midterm season and Felix finds himself an empty classroom to study in because he can't stand the library during this time. He buries himself in textbooks and notebooks, forgetting about the world outside until the world outside knocks on the door.

He checks his phone, checking to see if Ashe has taken his offer to study together. ' _Can't make it, sorry._ ' He frowns, getting up and piling his notes, ready to be kicked out.

"Are you avoiding me?" 

It's only Sylvain. He shuts the door quietly behind him and twists the lock.

"I have exams. Some people like to study, unlike you." But it's an excuse, and they both know it. Felix shifts in his seat and pretends that he's looking for something in his notes while Sylvain stalks over to him.

"You're avoiding me," he says definitively.

"How did you know I was here?" Felix asks, only to avoid confrontation. He doesn't need an answer to know that it was Ashe.

"What did I do wrong?" 

"I have a midterm in a few hours, so—" but he doesn't get to finish his sentence when Sylvain cups his chin and kisses him. 

And it's like that, how easy Felix gets whisked away. Sylvain pulls him up and suddenly he's pinned against the desk. His notes scatter everywhere and everything is forgotten. Nothing but Sylvain on his mind as hands wander.

Felix inevitably fails the midterm. He wanders into the exam hall fifteen minutes late, disheveled and reeking of something that he's not supposed to on campus grounds. He's lucky the TA even let him in.

He prays to the goddess, as nonreligious as he is, that he just scrapes by with a passing grade. He curses Sylvain and the redhead promises him dinner to make up for it. 

He curses Ashe too but the boy just smiles at him.

~*~*~*~

Sylvain disappears. He stops showing up to classes, he's never around the lunch table with their other friends, and no one questions it save for the one time Felix did but no one had a proper answer for him.

"He's a kind of come and go type of guy, don't you think?" Ashe says between a bite of his sandwich. "But I guess you guys would know him better."

"Sylvain's just busy," Ingrid says, chewing on her fork. "Last time I saw him, he said he needed some time to think over some stuff. Things aren't going great." She gives a pointed look to Felix like Felix is supposed to know exactly what she's talking about. He supposes it's something about back home, but he can't be sure. 

There's a strange hollow feeling left within Felix, because Felix is supposed to know Sylvain better than that. But perhaps he doesn't know anything about Sylvain at all.

Sylvain doesn't even ask for notes from him, which is strange because Felix swears that's the only reason why Sylvain wanted to take the same class. Whenever he does show up, it's sparse and he always leaves before Felix can ask him what's going on. 

Felix decides not to think about it too much. He accepts that this is something that Sylvain is doing and maybe he doesn't want Felix to know or be a part of it. So he says nothing and carries on with his own life.

He walks with Dimitri across campus when Dimitri's stopped because a hand grasps him.

"You were just gonna walk by without saying hi?" It's Claude, holding Dimitri's hand. Dimitri almost short circuits from how red his cheeks are. Felix rolls his eyes when Dimitri stutters an apology and says something about how he would never.

Claude kisses Dimitri's hand.

Beside him, Hilda makes a sounds like she's vomiting and snickers. Sylvain's next to her, elbowing her. They both laugh and Felix catches Sylvain's eye for just a second before the two walk on without Claude. 

There's no acknowledgment, no 'hey' or 'see you later'. It leaves Felix feeling even hollower, but he tries to ignore the ache in his chest.

He kicks Dimitri and points to his watch. The blonde apologizes to Claude and promises that they'll meet again soon.

"I'll be awaiting your message, my love." Claude blows a kiss, and it nearly sweeps Dimitri off his feet. 

Dimitri keeps looking back until they walk inside a building.

"You two are so dramatic," Felix mutters. Dimitri takes no offense as he smiles down at his feet walking. "You see him almost every day." 

~*~*~*~

It's the start of reading break and Felix is glad to have respite. Except he barely has time to relax when Dimitri kicks him out of the apartment.

"Why can't you just stay at Claude's?" Felix drops his backpack on the floor, about ready to dive into his bed despite his nervous friend leaning on his door frame. He cut his last class to get home early. 

"Hilda's having a party, and well..." Dimitri trails off, and he can't even meet Felix's eyes as he chews his lips.

Felix glares at him before throwing his hands in the air. " _Fine_ ," he says. "I'll fuck off so you two can have the night alone." 

Dimitri lights up and he says thank you so many times, Felix threatens to throw a book at him.

He ends up at Hilda's party because there isn't anywhere else for him to go. All his friends are busy either visiting family or spending time with significant others. His only option is Sylvain, but he decides that maybe he doesn't want to see Sylvain and maybe Sylvain doesn't want to see him.

So he goes to Hilda's party and hates himself for it. He spends most of his time nodding in and out of conversations of people he vaguely knows and then the rest of his time searching for a place to just lie down. 

He opens a bedroom door without knocking and finds a couple on the bed. A redheaded boy is busy kissing a brown haired girl with his hand underneath her skirt and another fondling her chest. The girl screams when she sees Felix, and tries to cover her half-naked body with a bed sheet but it's too late. The image is already burned in his retinas.

Felix mutters an apology and closes the door. It takes a moment for him to realize why the boy's red hair looks so familiar. 

The door slams open behind him.

"Wait, Felix, it's not what you think." Sylvain tries to straighten his shirt, tries to fix his hair. Felix walks faster. "Let me explain, I was just playing around. It's nothing serious."

"I don't know why you're telling me this," Felix mutters. He weaves through the crowd, trying to find somewhere else to hide. Maybe a cupboard or something other. 

"I didn't think you'd—" Sylvain tries to grab Felix, but Felix shrugs him off. "When did you get here?" The girl has her head out the door and asking where the fuck Sylvain is going, but he ignores her. "I had no idea you even knew Hilda."

"You can keep doing what you were doing, it doesn't concern me."

Sylvain grabs Felix again, and before the younger can protest, Sylvain pulls him into a room. It's Hilda's room, Felix can tell because everything's pink. He only has a vague thought that she'd strangle the two of them if they were caught trespassing in her room. Rather, maybe she'd just strangle Sylvain. 

"What do you want?" Felix manages to say before Sylvain has both his hands on Felix's face and pulls him close until their lips meet. 

It dazes him for a second. The warmth and familiar shape that brings him to another place. But it's the odd taste of lipstick that brings him out of it.

He bites Sylvain. 

The redhead hisses. "Baby," Sylvain mutters against the shell of his ear. "That fucking _hurt_." He leans against Felix, presses his forehead against his shoulder. His hands travel down until they're behind Felix's back. He presses Felix up against the wall and whispers an apology into his ear.

"What do you want from me?" Felix says. His fingers weakly curl into Sylvain's shirt. 

"She doesn't mean anything, I swear it."

Felix wonders if that girl caught them in this room if Sylvain would run after her too. If he'd trap her in his arms just like this and say the same damn thing.

"No one ever means anything to you." 

"Baby, you know that's not true." Sylvain pulls back and all of a sudden he sees Felix— _really_ sees Felix. His eyes widen just a little and his lips tilt down. Felix wonders what kind of face he has on. If the ache in his chest shows, or the way his scowl is just a little too revealing. "Felix—"

Felix slaps his hand away, before Sylvain can run his thumb over his cheeks. Before Sylvain can whisper a sweet nothing, a honeyed lie and sweep Felix away again. 

He swallows, and it hurts. He looks at the floor, at their feet, and he finds that he doesn't know where to go from here.

"I'm sorry," Sylvain says, almost breathless. "I'm so sorry."

"Forget about it," Felix says. He pushes Sylvain away, almost just a little too hard. Sylvain stumbles back but he tries to reach for Felix again. Felix just barely misses his grasp. He heads for the door, slams it in Sylvain's face, and once more the door slams open behind him. 

"Felix, let's talk," Sylvain says behind him.

He ignores him and weaves into the crowd. He ignores the bumps and glares he gets; the spills of beer from red cups and liquor alike. He can still taste the remnants of lipstick from Sylvain's lips.

"Felix, please."

All he needs to do is just make it outside; he's so damn close. That's what he tells himself, but Sylvain's right behind him. A hand caresses his back and opens the front door, ushering him out into the quiet corridor. The door shuts quietly behind them though the din of the party inside seeps out. 

"Let's talk. Please," Sylvain says, quiet almost. He breathes, but Felix doesn't want to hear what he has to say. For the fear that he might already know what Sylvain might say. That Sylvain just meant it in all fun and games, that it was never meant to mean anything; never for Felix to mean anything. 

And Felix realizes, perhaps belatedly, that he wants something else. That maybe he doesn't want to be just friends but he's just a fool. He doesn't know what they are and now he's too scared to ask so his mouth moves faster than his mind can and he just says, "Fuck off." 

Except Sylvain knows Felix exceptionally well and it's never deterred Sylvain before so it doesn't start now.

"Felix, I'm so sorry."

"You use people," Felix keeps going, trying to talk to fill the space so there's no room left for Sylvain. "No one ever means a damn thing to you because you use people for emotional fulfillment. To fill in the gaps your piece of shit father left in you like we're not the fucking same. You use people like they're just a doll, throw them away when you're bored, and move on to something else. Go find yourself another toy and leave me the fuck alone."

He feels the heat in his face, burning him up crimson. He ignores the hurt in Sylvain's eyes, and turns away before he can think too much about it because his own heart is heavy and hurting.

There's nothing from Sylvain. Just the door opening and closing; the sound of a party going on loud and then soft again. 

Felix disappears down the stairwell.

Felix walks back home even though he promised Dimitiri he wouldn't be there. He slams open the door only to find Claude and Dimitri jump apart on the couch. They're half-naked, Claude tries to cover his chest with a shirt as he tries to casually greet Felix.

There's a mild look of annoyance on Dimitri's face, a rare expression but it's quickly glossed over when he sees his roommate. His face turns soft. "Felix, what happened?"

"Ignore me," Felix says, barely casting a look their way as he heads into his room. "Pretend I'm not here, do whatever you want. I don't care."

Dimitri knocks on his door to ask him what happened and Felix tells him it's nothing. Dimitri knows better than to push, so they leave it at that and he returns to Claude for the rest of the night while Felix buries himself in his sheets and wishing for the warmth of somebody of his own.

~*~*~*~

He doesn't see Sylvain around for a while, even after reading break is long over. Felix tries not to think too much about it. Sylvain hasn't spoken to him since Hilda's party, and he still doesn't ask for notes when he doesn't show up for classes.

Then all of a sudden, he pops back up again. He's hanging out with the group again, at lunches and study rooms, and suddenly he has a girlfriend.

It's Dorothea. She looks almost out of place with his arm around her, but she looks content enough. She lays her head on his shoulder, he smiles down at her. It's weird seeing Sylvain tied down to someone again, and Felix just hopes it'll last longer than two weeks. 

Ingrid is skeptical. She furrows her brows at them and warns Sylvain of hurting Dorothea. Felix has no doubt she'd skin Sylvain alive for it and he'd love to see it.

"You can do better, you know that, right?" Felix says when it's just the three of them at lunch: him, Ingrid, and Dorothea. 

The opera singer throws her head back in laughter. "Oh come on, he's sweet, don't you think?"

"No," Ingrid and Felix say in unison. Dorothea laughs again; she doesn't take their words to heart. 

~*~*~*~

It's weird between Felix and Sylvain. Something unspoken in the air, and Felix is too scared to address it even if all he wants is Sylvain next to him again. Either as a friend, or maybe something else.

Even when Sylvain shows up to class, he doesn't sit near Felix. He leaves before Felix can say anything because Dorothea waits by the door.

Dimitri always asks if he's okay. Felix just says yes, even though they both know he's not. Dimitri just nods because he knows that's what Felix wants, but he lends a shoulder whenever Felix dips his head or when he just needs someone next to him. 

~*~*~*~

Ashe has a get together because it's his birthday and Felix doesn't necessarily want to go but he does because it's Ashe. "It's just something small," Ashe says. "I just want to spend some time with friends because I'm tired of studying."

It's just their small group, and they play board games all night. He sits next to Annette because she insists, and he finds that he can't say no to her either. She's a beacon of light in his dark times, and he's grateful for her.

Sylvain brings Dorothea, and Felix hates the way they sit next to each other. They share glances constantly, whisper to one another, and sometimes text each other even though they're right next to each other. Felix can't stand it. 

The night drags by and Felix swears that time has stopped because the clock never changes no matter how much he looks at it. He spends more time looking at Sylvain through the corners of his eyes rather than paying attention to what's in front of him, and he hates himself for it.

He wishes that Dimitri would've caught him instead of being too smitten with Claude (but Felix supposes he can't fault Dimitri for that because he wishes all the best for him).

He hates seeing the way Sylvain hangs his arm over Dorothea's shoulder, he hates the way she leans into him.

More than once, Sylvain catches his eye. And more than once, Felix pretends that he wasn't caught or that he's never looked at Sylvain before.

He tries his best to avoid Sylvain, trying instead to spend time with Annette. Colluding with her in games, or simply letting her win. It's a small happiness, watching her cheer victoriously. 

The night starts to wrap up when Ashe almost hits his head on the table because he's falling asleep. Dedue wraps a secure arm around him and excuses himself to put Ashe away in their bedroom but Ashe insists that he's fine and says something about having tea and coffee.

Dedue nods and leaves to the kitchen. Much to Felix's relief, they start to clean up and it gives him something proper to focus on instead of a certain redhead. 

Ingrid places the games pieces back into the box and Mercedes organizes the little bookshelf where Ashe stores all his board games. Annette passes Felix used cups and dishes, and he starts washing the dishes. Dedue tries to take it from him, but Felix refuses. Dimitri tries to help but Felix shoes him away because Claude is clinging tiredly onto the blonde. 

Claude and Dimitri are the first to leave, though Dimitri apologizes for the early leave Felix can tell he's eager to go. 

Felix filches one last glance at Sylvain once he's done. Dorothea whispers something to the redhead, Felix can't hear what they're saying and he tells himself that he doesn't care. 

He goes to go throw the garbage away. He asks Annette if there's anything else before he ties up the black bag. Annette hands him his sweater. "I'll go with you," she says. 

"That's no job for a lady," Sylvain says. "I'll go." 

And Felix almost says no, but he doesn't want questioning looks. He just wishes that Annette would've insisted a little more instead of settling with Mercedes and everyone else for tea. 

"I'm not coming back," he says. He bids them all goodnight despite a protest from Annette and Ashe to return and slips out of the apartment to slam the door in Sylvain's face.

"Wait," Sylvain says, shutting the door gently behind him. Felix only picks up his pace, debates if he should wait for the elevator or climb down the stairs. 

He opts for the stairs. 

"Hey." Sylvain's behind him, but Felix only picks up his pace. The sound of his sneakers hitting concrete stairs next to the rustle of the garbage bag gives him something to focus on. "Felix." Sylvain catches him by the arm. "Can we talk?"

Felix almost says no. Almost snaps his arm away, tell Sylvain to go home and never come back. But he doesn't. He stays silent, and Sylvain waits. 

"About what?" He finally says. 

Sylvain licks his lips and sighs. His weight shifts from one leg to the other. "I feel like I fucked up," he laughs nervously, a hand runs through his hair. "We did things all wrong and I—Can we...start over?" 

"Start over?" Felix repeats. "Like we just met or...?" 

"No, I mean," Sylvain fidgets again. "Start over what...whatever we were."

"You have a girlfriend."

As if Sylvain just remembered, he jumps. "It's not like that," he says.

Felix scowls. He scoffs and turns away and heads down the stairs.

"Wait, Felix, it's not—I didn't mean..." Sylvain follows him. "Me and Dorothea, we're not—"

"No one means a damn thing to you," Felix says. "And sometimes I feel so fucking stupid for thinking that I could've been different. That you could change." 

Sylvain pulls him back, pushes him against the wall and kisses him. Warm lips and a familiar thumb tracing the lines of his cheeks. The smell of the ocean that drowns him. He almost melts. 

He misses Sylvain, but not like this. Before he could think, Felix punches him in the stomach and storms off. He grabs the garbage bag and drags it down as he takes two stairs at a time.

Felix doesn't look back to see Sylvain writhing on the staircase, but his groans echo off the concrete walls. 

~*~*~*~

They go back to being normal. Normal normal, like before any of this ever started. Like they were just friends, only been friends, and never anything but friends. Almost, anyway. 

Felix says sorry for punching him because he really does miss Sylvain, but it takes a little longer to stop resenting him. Sylvain apologizes too, for the way he's been acting as of late. They leave it at that.

When they're together, it's Sylvain who fills in most of the space by sparking up regular conversations that don't involve discussing whatever they were or what they tried to be. Felix is always weary in his retorts, but he pretends that nothing ever happened.

Sylvain and Dorothea break up. People give Dorothea their sympathies but she just smiles and goes on with her life as though nothing happened. A few weeks later, she's seen around campus holding hands with Petra.

They still talk as far as Felix can tell. They stop by each other's classes sometimes, and sometimes over Sylvain's shoulder he can see him texting Dorothea. They never mention each other in person though Felix supposes that's not his problem.

Nonetheless, they're back to normal. 

Sometimes Sylvain catches Felix's fingers under the table. Most times, Felix slaps him away. Sometimes Felix lets him because he likes the warmth. 

Sylvain doesn't join the group for lunch as often, and Felix spots him around strange groups. Once, he even saw Sylvain grab lunch with Professor Byleth. She didn't seem to mind his company, though Felix could only imagine every other sentence out of his mouth was a pickup line. 

Most of the time, he's either with Dorothea, or Hilda (And Claude, if Claude decides not to spend time with Dimitri). When he catches Felix looking, he'll smile and wave. 

Felix tries to pretend it doesn't bother him; the little prick in his chest. He tries to focus on his beef bowl, listen to whatever Ashe and Annette has to say, whatever Ingrid has to quip on. But it's just not the same. 

~*~*~*~

Ingrid has a party. Not necessarily because she wants one but because "Dorothea made me," she says. 

So Felix only goes because she says that it would mean a lot to her. He thinks that maybe she just needs support from someone who's just a little more grounded.

He stays glued to the wall, watching it all unfold in front of him with a beer in hand. He watches the way girls flock around Ingrid, touching her and saying something about a make over. Annette already has an eye shadow palette ready and Hilda has her hands in blonde strands wanting to re-braid Ingrid's hair.

Ingrid is mildly panicked. She looks over at Felix for help but he just laughs and drinks beer. Nobody else pays mind as the girls carry Ingrid to her room.

He lulls his head against the wall, waiting for the throbbing in his head to stop. Amid waiting, he finds Sylvain next to him.

"Is that your fifth one?"

"Sixth."

Sylvain hums. "Maybe you should slow down. Or stop." But he doesn't make a move to take the cup away so Felix just keeps sipping until it's empty. 

It's silent between them, and Felix can feel something heavy on Sylvain's mind because he fiddles with his fingers behind his back and taps the wall.

"Spit it out," Felix slurs, and frowns because he meant for those words to be standing upright. 

"Can we talk?" Sylvain says.

"We're talking right now."

Sylvain goes quiet again. He bites his lips.

"Are you okay?" Felix doesn't answer that one. He lets his head lull to the side, letting the room spin. Sylvain looks down at his feet. "Do you hate me?"

"Sylvain," Felix mutters, head tilting up to look at Sylvain. The words tumbles out before he could filter them through the logical part of his mind. "I could never hate you." He flushes but tells himself it's from the alcohol.

"No?"

There's a tug of a hopeful smile on Sylvain's face. Felix almost doesn't want to answer him. He looks away, looks at anything else except for Sylvain.

Ashe and Caspar are sitting in a corner, taking turns showing pictures of cats off instagram and _fuck, goddess dammit_ , Felix should've joined them instead of standing here.

"I could never hate you," Felix says again. Sylvain stands a little closer and Felix takes it as an invitation to lay his head on his shoulders. "I don't know. You kinda just disappeared on me." 

"Yeah," Sylvain mutters. He combs through Felix's fringe. "Sorry. I didn't mean to, I just…I'll tell you another time. When you're sober."

And then it's silent again. Felix shuts his eyes, enjoying the way Sylvain plays with his hair. He leans into his touch.

Sylvain breathes, opens his mouth to say something but stops himself. Felix looks at him, but Sylvain looks away. 

"What?"

Sylvain shakes his head and laughs softly. Felix looks up at him, trying to properly assess the redhead. He tries to get a better look and moves closer, scrutinizing him until he's gone too far and he doesn't even realize it himself when his eyes fall down to pretty pink lips and he kisses Sylvain. 

Sylvain startles for a second but kisses back real quick. His arms wrap around Felix and pulls him closer, Felix's hand on the back of his neck keeping him steady. And then they're leaving together, and Sylvain is taking him home again. Again. 

But Felix is almost glad. 

There's a part of him that's glad Sylvain is taking him home again but as they walk, he realizes that they weren't headed to Sylvain's apartment but Felix's.

A nervous knot ties in his stomach, because he's never invited Sylvain over before. He hasn't been in the shared apartment since the day Dimitri and Felix moved in. Felix steels himself, preparing for it but all Sylvain does is follow him up to his level, kiss his forehead and say goodnight.

Felix catches his shirt. "You're not staying?"

Sylvain smiles at him. Soft, but not meeting his eyes. Like Felix wasn't supposed to say that and now Sylvain's trying to find a way to forgive him.

Sylvain kisses him again, this time on the cheek. Felix pulls him back to kiss his lips and they get lost in each other for just a moment. Felix tries to pull Sylvain in, but he doesn't allow it. Sylvain pulls back. 

He rests his forehead against Felix's. "Not tonight," he says. "Goodnight, Felix." And then he parts, licking his lips and walking backwards with a lingering gaze but when it's clear that he doesn't want to answer the question in Felix's eyes, he turns away.

The next morning, Dimitri jumps when he finds Felix sitting at the breakfast table drinking coffee. He laughs nervously when Claude follows behind him.

"You came home last night?" He's red in the face, scratching the back of his head. Claude kisses his cheek before helping himself to some coffee. 

"Yeah," Felix says. 

"Things didn't work out?" Claude asks, heading to the fridge to add some cream. Felix had wondered where that carton came from and he's only mildly appalled.

Felix doesn't answer and just sips his black coffee. Dimitri clears his throat and pours himself a cup too.

"Don't worry," Claude says, propping an arm up as he takes a seat. He has those cold calculating eyes that Felix could never read, and he wonders what exactly Dimitri likes so much about him. "I think Sylvain's trying to figure some things out. Give him some time."

Felix wants to ask how he knows, but he just stays quiet and finishes his coffee.

~*~*~*~

Sylvain avoids him again, but it's different this time and Felix doesn't know how to address it.

They talk like normal, like how they used to, but sometimes Sylvain will extend an invitation only to revoke it. He'll ask Felix to come over and change his mind or ask to study only to say that he's busy.

Felix has a hard time understanding Sylvain but just lets him be because there's nothing else he can do.

He's always looking for Sylvain. Sometimes he'll stare a little too long and when Sylvain catches him, the redhead only waves before turning away to focus on something, anything else. 

But sometimes Sylvain still tries to catch Felix's hand underneath the table, or try to find a way to run fingers through his hair. Felix never stops him. He always leans into his touch, rests against Sylvain's shoulder. 

~*~*~*~

It's finally the end of the semester and Felix spends more time scrolling through his phone instead of reading his textbook because he's too burnt out to care. 

There's a draft sitting in his messages to his father, saying something about coming home for the holidays after exams are finished. He promised Dimitri he'd send it soon but he's been putting it off for the past week. 

He swaps between looking at the message and scrolling through cat pictures, but he's interrupted when he gets a call from Dorothea. Felix picks up only out of curiosity.

"Can you come pick up Sylvain?"

It's something about her voice that makes him go, or maybe he just wants to see Sylvain. Felix isn't sure but he heads over to the bar she's at.

Sylvain has his head down on the table. Dorothea rubs circles on his back. He groans and grips his glass tighter. There's still half a shot of whiskey left in it.

"Things just got a little out of hand," Dorothea says with a small smile. She gestures to her own empty martini glass, but she seems perfectly fine. "I wanted to see how he was doing, and how he was holding up." She pats Sylvain's head, he has no response. "Take care of him for me?" 

She phrases it like a question but gives Felix no choice when she tucks her purse under her arm and gives him a pat on the shoulder as she leaves. 

Felix orders a whiskey and takes her vacant seat. It takes a moment for Sylvain to stir, for him to turn his head and notice.

"You're not Dorothea," he mutters.

"No," Felix says. "I'm not."

Sylvain groans again, rubbing his hands over his face before hiding behind them. "Let me die here."

Felix props an arm up, stares a flushed Sylvain and wonders how they got here. What Dorothea and he talked about and how Sylvain got like this. "I don't have any plans dying in a bar," he says, taking a sip of his own drink. 

Sylvain laughs, slightly muffled by his hands. "I'm in love with you, Felix." 

"Don't say something so stupid." 

"But it's true," Sylvain says, leaning on the table to look up at Felix. "I really like you." He smiles softly, but it quickly disappears when he tries to distract himself and plays with his cup. 

He swivels the amber liquid around. Felix watches him, watches the way he furrows his brows, the way his mind tries to form a coherent sentence. The way he opens his mouth only to close it, only to have his lips turn down.

"You're so unfair, do you know that?" Sylvain finally says. "What do you want from me, Felix?" 

The question almost takes Felix aback. He doesn't know how to answer it, or what kind of answer Sylvain's looking for.

"For a while, I thought you liked me too. I mean, you responded to my advances, that had to mean something, right?" Sylvain says. "But you stopped staying over no matter how many times I asked, and—" He shakes his head. "And then you started avoiding me. What the hell was that about?"

Guilt washes over Felix. He looks down at his own drink, watches the way melting ice melanges with whiskey. Sylvain looks at him like he demands an answer, but when Felix opens his mouth to say something, Sylvain keeps talking.

"I thought you hated me." He rubs his eyes and hides behind a hand. "I thought that maybe I pushed it too far, and you just couldn't say no. I told myself if you really did like me, you'd come after me if I took a step back. You never did." 

An apology sits on Felix's tongue, but Felix was never good at them. It chokes him and he washes it down with a sip of whiskey.

Sylvain says nothing, either. Just keeps looking down and rolling his cup on the table by the rim, listening to the sound of a glass edge running on wood. The cup falls with a dull plunk, liquid swishes, and Sylvain pulls himself up. 

"I didn't mean for things to get like this," he says. "I tried to accept the fact that you'd never feel so same, so I tried finding someone else. But then you walked in on me, and I just realized that I couldn't. Maybe I should've asked you, but I was scared that I was all wrong and I wouldn't know what to do anymore."

There's a forlorn smile on his lips as he leans against the table, halfway burying his face into his arms again. He reaches over to take Felix's hand into his own. He rubs circles with the pad of his thumb.

"Just tell me, Felix. Tell me to fuck off forever so we can close this chapter of our lives and never look back."

"Is that what you want?" Felix asks. 

"Isn't that what you want?" Sylvain asks back. 

Felix doesn't reply. He only frowns, stares at their hands before he downs the rest of his drink in one shot. He ignores the burn, and takes Sylvain's drink to do the same. "Gods, no," he says. 

"What do you want from me, Felix," Sylvain says again. "Tell me. Tell me, and I'll do it."

Felix tightens his hand around Sylvain's, drops a few bills on the table and pulls Sylvain out of the bar. Sylvain lets himself get hauled away, he follows meekly behind as Felix hails a taxi and puts him inside. 

Sylvain doesn't let go of Felix's hand, even though the drive is silent. It's silent all the way up until they reach Sylvain's apartment. Sylvain fumbles with his keys, having troubles lining up with the hole. Felix rolls his eyes and does it for him.

Sylvain half expects him to open the door and just leave him there. Say something about how they'll talk another day, that Felix doesn't want to deal with this right now. And Sylvain would just take it, leave it as such and never bring it up again. Chalk it up to the alcohol and laugh it off.

But Felix doesn't leave him. Felix pushes open the door and tugs Sylvain inside. They only make it to the foyer. Felix mutters something under his breath, Sylvain doesn't hear him. Felix turns around with a familiar scowl, and Sylvain's ready to just accept it. 

"Did you hear me?" Felix says. "I said, I like you too." 

It hits Sylvain like a truck on the highway, he nearly stumbles back but Felix pulls him forward and wraps his arms around him. He buries his face in Sylvain's chest. 

"What do _you_ want from me, Sylvain?" Felix can feel the way Sylvain's heart pounds, the way it matches with his own. It's almost soothing.

"Stay," Sylvain says without missing a beat. "Stay the night, please." His fingers reach up into dark strands and he tries to pull Felix closer. Felix nods. 

He kisses Felix's forehead and smiles down at him. Felix's embarrassed but his heart swells and he's never been so in love. Felix pulls Sylvain down to kiss his lips. Soft and chaste, kisses him and keeps kissing until Felix is stumbling back into the apartment after throwing off their shoes. 

They fumble all the way until they reach Sylvain's bed where Felix crawls under the covers, opens his arms and waits for Sylvain. The redhead obliges, snuggling in. He falls asleep in Felix's arms. 

~*~*~*~

Sylvain wakes up in an empty bed. His stomach clenches and he feels sick, and he misses Felix. He reaches over to where his lover is supposed to be and find that it's still warm. 

On his nightstand, pings a familiar ringtone—but it's not his. It's Felix's. 

There's a message from Dimitri asking where he was, alongside three missed calls; two from last night and one from this morning. Sylvain picks up the phone to look at it only to put it back face down. 

He always thought that Dimitri was too preoccupied with Claude to pay any attention to Felix's whereabouts. 

Felix is in the kitchen making something on the stove. 

Sylvain announces his presence quietly by snaking his arms around Felix's waist. Felix looks up at him, smiles and kisses his lips, and Sylvain is ready to melt. 

"Hey," Felix says.

"Hey," Sylvain says back, burying his face in Felix's undone hair. He plants a kiss against Felix's ear, feels Felix shiver under his touch.

"I made bacon," Felix almost stutters. His face is red, and he's staring harder at the pan, poking the strips of meat more often than he should.

"Just bacon?" 

Felix nods, and they lull into a silence with nothing but the sizzle of the pan between them. Sylvain sways him gently until Felix pushes him back. Sylvain lets him.

"Tie up my hair?" Felix takes the hair tie from his wrist and holds it up. 

Sylvain nods and takes it. It's one of his favourite things to do. He combs through Felix's hair, and it falls into place so easily. Once he's done he plants another kiss on the nape of Felix's neck. 

"Hey, Felix? I love you." He goes back to wrapping himself around Felix. 

Felix doesn't say anything.

"I love you," he says again, kissing Felix. "I love you." He keeps saying it, keeps peppering kisses all over until Felix is red everywhere, and elbowing him.

"Stop it, you sap," Felix mutters, but there's a smile threatening on his lips. And finally, "I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> !!! this one shot took me ages to write, and I finally just decided to post it lmao
> 
> thank you for reading! any and all thoughts/critiques are welcomed! 
> 
> also the timeline is a little wonky (in regards to ashe's birthday and reading break lol) so please disregard that.


End file.
